The answer from my heart

How does she know she likes him enough...

There's no absolute answer to that question. There's only possibilities that she knows she is capable of doing for him that says it all.

There's no need for a compromise 🔅
Because she's willing to give in and conform.
No, she's not a pushover but rather she loves him enough to let go of other things.

There's no need to meet halfway 🔅
For she would have travelled any distance to meet him.
No, she's not desperate but she loves him enough to travel across oceans if need be.

There's no need to relocate 🔅
For she's willing to move anywhere she needs to, change her career and restart all over just to be with him.
No, she's not dependent but she knows he matters more than the distance, country and career she has. Those can change with time but not him.

There's no need to fight 🔅
For she would have apologised at the beginning of it.
No, she's not scared but she cares enough to not allow anything create a friction between both of them.

There's no need for a mansion 🔅
For she's willing to live and settle anywhere as long as it's with him.
No, she's not saying it for the sake of saying it but she knows that a beautiful castle is not made up of the external luxuries one sees but rather the beauty of the occupants within it. Fairy tales exists so as long you work on building it.

There's no need for an alternate ego level 🔅
For she would have let go of her ego completely if needed.
No, she's not a loser but she knows victory is not from only winning but also from creating a winner out of someone you love.

There's no need for a second call 🔅
For she would have already left after the first call for her to meet him.
No, it's not that she has nothing to do, but rather everything else can wait if he needs her. Priorities she calls it.

There's no need to coax her 🔅
For she will turn from her usual self to a different self, the naughtiest self when she's with him.
No, she's not cheap but she loves him enough to bare it all, do it all.

There's no need to make her cry 🔅
For she will cry her heart out in front of him when she feels like it.
No, she's not seeking attention, rather she trusts him enough to reveal her darkest fears in the most vulnerable state one can be in.

There's no need to change 🔅
For she accepts him as a whole, be it his sarcasm, imperfections, weirdness, likes and dislikes. 
No, she's not lying here as she knows all these makes him who he is and he is the person she loves. Hence, she accepts everything that comes as part of him for they complete him as a person.

There's no need to ask 🔅
For if he wants his time alone, she will agree, if he wants her there, she will be there, if he wants to talk to her, she will talk to him.
No, she's not submissive but she respects him enough to listen to him.

There's no need for a time out 🔅
For she would not remain mad with him for more than a minute and she would do anything to not allow him to be mad with her for a longer period.
No, she's not soft but she knows that their happiness is far more worthy than what any anger can bring.

There's no need for an equal love 🔅
For she is willing to love and give more. 
She understands enough that nothing is equally similar in the world and she is willing to be the one that gives more.
No, she's not under valuing herself but she knows her capabilities and how far she can go for someone she loves.

None of these makes her any less of an individual for she is still the person she is, only a better self. 😘

Silent nights...

Laughter, smiles, jokes
Lots of them
All, but the
Unseen feelings
Unheard thoughts
Unspoken words

Fear, sadness and silent tears
Something buried deep inside
Only the heart knows
Only the soul feels

These days the soul is awake
Throughout the silent nights
Sleep and hunger at a bay
For the mind is occupied
With everything inexpressible

Time,
So precious it is
That it makes all things perfect
Until it all seems so wrong

Seconds, minutes, hours or days
Weeks, months, years or a lifetime
Which do we choose
When do we decide
Why has it got to be such

How long more before we bid goodbye
How far more before we greet hello

How long more before we hug goodbye
How soon before we hug again

How long more before we kiss goodbye
How soon before we kiss passionately

How long more before we head to the departure hall
How soon before we meet at the arrival hall

The list is far beyond imaginable
With endless possibilities
Fueled with faith, hope and trust
As far as the mind wanders
Into the bottomless cavity of the heart
Moving along with the frequency of the heartbeat

Words, feelings, thoughts
Emotions, desires, sentiments
Everything that the heart feels
Yet remains buried
At a distant afar...

Que Sera Sera
Whatever will be, will be..
Que Sera Sera
What will be, will be..

As the number of candles adds on...

June has always been a month she liked...

As she turned older, she realized how much she have changed physically, emotionally, as a daughter, sister, friend and human...

Once rebellious and a stubborn daughter, she's now a daughter who wishes to see her parents happy. How thankful she is to have parents who gave her everything they could and is still willing to do that for her till this very day. A mom whose happiness is made up of her happiness, a dad who tries to make her happy in anyway he can…Parents who believes so much in their daughter that they told her to dream big and achieve big…

Once a ferocious sister, now she gives in to almost everything…She values the time she spends with her twin. Distance definitely makes a difference. They have grown to be closer and to realize how much similarities they share. Someone both can turn to at any time without a second thought.

Once surrounded with lots of people, she is now a friend who appreciates the true friendships she have experienced so far, be it near or far. She is thankful for the friends she have in life. Sisters whom she never had and yet sisters for life. People whom she can look for when she needs a shoulder to cry, a partner to laugh, or a philosopher for advice. All in all, regardless of age, race and religion, their friendship comes past all that…As people grow, they begin to realize how important relationships are in this world. Without a bunch of equally crazy and wonderful friends, life would be a tad too somber.

As an individual, she made a resolution to appreciate all the small wonderful things people do everyday. We tend to always look at the bigger deeds while ignoring the thousands of smaller deeds that make a lot of impact. As she started looking closer, she begin to see the beautiful nature of people around her and how blessed is she to have known them. Instead of judging people for their differences, she now chooses to appreciate them for the little wonderful things they do on a daily basis. From people who helps the animals around them, someone who feeds the homeless by the roadside, someone who drops a note every time he or she passes by a fellow human being in need, someone who never bargains more than needed for he/ she knows that small traders are also common people trying to make a honest living, someone who gives more than asking, someone who buys others food and drinks without expecting a compliment or a thank you in return, someone who helps pick up the rubbish from the road without being told to do so for the environment is something important, someone who opens the door for others to pass through, someone who helps lost strangers find their way, someone who enjoys making children happy, someone who feeds stray animals off the street, someone who enjoys giving others a lift, someone who gives up their seat for anyone in need, someone who never litters around, someone who helps others without expecting anything in return…There are so many things people do on a daily basis that we fail to notice or appreciate. Yes, these are the impactful moment that makes the world a much happier place to live in. More than often, people tend to look at what someone is not rather than what they are. The day we start looking at all the positive sides of another person, we would naturally start accepting people for who they are and the difference they create as individuals.

Over the years, she have come across so many people who have either made her happy, sad, disappointed or angry. There have been those that have hurt her, pushed her down, pulled her up, carried her along the way or walked with her…Regardless of what they did, she have known something good about everyone that she would like to think of instead of anything negative they might have done.

As she looks back, years ago she imagined a different life the day she reaches this age. It is nowhere close to what she envisioned it to be but then she choose to look at all the right things she have done by far rather than the mistakes she have made or the things she has not done. For everything happens for a reason. She wants to be grateful to herself for all that she have done for others and for herself. There’s no one else who can make you feel better than yourself. The day you start believing you are also special in so many ways, that’s the day you’ll see the beauty in yourself.

As she looks forward to beautiful days, months and years to come, she is also learning to be a better human. She wishes to follow and emulate the little good deeds she sees others doing, let go off the negative traits she might be carrying with her, to listen more, to appreciate people around her, to be grateful for things in life, to be contented with what she has, to have the determination to succeed even in the smallest aspect and to have faith and trust in what is to come. She is confident she would reach the part of the journey where someone would love her and see the small things she does. Till then, she vows to be the lover of her own soul.

Life is short and our time here is temporary. She have seen people leave without having the chance of saying or feeling what they wished to express or experience. Often, we think we have time though fail to realize that time does not wait. For this reason, she choose to be happy at the end of every day hereon. For if it happens to be her last day on Earth, she would be happy knowing she appreciated life to the very best she could. It is not money or material wealth that gives us that satisfaction but rather the relationship with those around us as well as other living beings we share our space with. At the end of our journey, we go off as how we came, though we leave behind memories for others to treasure. Let that be happy memories.

As she thought it was going to be a very slow day being in a different place, her day turned out to be one of the best instead this very year...Thanks to the deeds and sweet gestures people do, not realizing how wonderful it is for them to do so...Thank you!  :)

Of Religion & God

"In reality, many people let go of religion at a later part of life – Penn Jillette”

I couldn’t help but agree with that statement…

I was born in a religious family where religion shaped our beliefs, culture and lifestyle. I spent my childhood devoting time to religious activities. No, I was not forced into it…

I wholeheartedly participated in religious classes, read Holy scriptures and grew up along friends who shared similar beliefs. At the same time, I also had friends of different religions and we respected the differences we had.

God played an important factor in my childhood, teenage hood and even later on.  It helped me in many ways where there was a support system that I could rely on, gave me hope and faith when I needed it, formed and built my character. Would I have been different without religion? Perhaps yes or maybe not…

As I matured, I started questioning many practices that made little sense to me. My folks never stopped me from questioning what was on my mind and hence, I had the liberty to follow what made sense while forgoing those that I found absurd.

However, as an entirety, my family was of a very religious one. Thus, I often did not bring up any sort of disputes in order to avoid confrontations with other family members. That’s the beauty of mutual respect.

Temples, altar at home, religious events and ceremonies – they were all part of my upbringing.

Even as I moved away from home, I brought along whatever I could to still be close to a religious system I was so attached with.

Then there came a day where my life took a turn, for the better or worse. At that point, I was in between holding on to God for answers and also blaming Him for everything. This went on for sometime. Resentment, anger, love – it was a mixture of emotions of a religion I held on to for so long…

One day, as I sat and thought, I was holding on, relying and hating something I was not sure of. Instead of relying on myself, blaming my own deeds, or trusting myself, I was instead turning to something that might or might not have been true…

Why blame or hold on to something that you are not sure of?

Why not believe in myself, take responsibility for my deeds and be accountable for whatever decisions I take in life?

That’s the day I decided to let go of religion, God and a belief system I had lived with all along.

The first person I went to was my Mom. I told her I was removing my religious beads which I had worn all my life, as I no longer believed in God. She was devastated and asked me not to stop believing though she did not force me to do something I did not like. We decided to let time take its course and she respected my decision as how I respected theirs…

As for the rest of my family members and some close friends, well they might never come to accept my reasoning though I am no longer afraid to stand alone.

I don’t deny the possibility it exists though I also don’t deny the chances of it all being a myth. Perhaps, one day I might believe in God again or maybe I will die refuting His existence.

For now, I no longer believe in God, religion, sins, boons, and whatnot… Neither you nor I know the truth…I’ll stick to believing in myself, my decisions and whatever I choose to go with. Religion would not be a part of my decisions and I will not blame it either when something goes wrong. Instead, I’ll take pride when life turns out well and be accountable if it turns out otherwise…Whatever good I choose to do, it is not because God asked me to do it, but it is out of humanity. Any bad deeds I commit, it is also of my choice and nothing tied to a religion.

As time changes...

There was a knock on my room door and it was Mom, asking me to wake up. It was time to rush and head for a morning flight back. Well, it was a rat race in the wee hours of the morning, only to reach the airport right on time to board the plane, 5 minutes before departure. I was used to this though, having done it so often that I no longer find it fun despite the adrenaline rush it gives me.

As I boarded the flight, I knew I had barely half an hour to catch some sleep and before I dozed off, I checked through my Facebook feed. I came across an interesting article. I took a quick glance at it and read through the entire piece. Within minutes, I felt like the writer was somewhat describing my life, of how it was going at the moment. As the plane took off, I turned off my tablet and tried to shut my eyes close while my mind drifted away thinking about what I had just read.

I had always been someone who dreamt big. My parents allowed me the freedom to think, ask, speak out and explore. I was a young kid, spending her time reading books, magazines, newspapers and articles on the world’s current affairs, the economical state of different countries, crisis going around different continents and well anything that caught my eye.

I was never studious though. I knew what I liked. I was just that stubborn that what didn’t matter to me means I would not spend time on it although it mattered grade wise. Schooling life was pretty much a walk in the park. Perhaps it was never really a good thing as it set a different expectation as to how life should be later on, an image that we build in our heads though reality is far from being perfect.

While many teenagers were busy going on dates and trying to sneak out with their boyfriends, I was busy contemplating what I was going to do in future. Did I have the capability of being an activist - fighting for human rights, would I be able to be a participant of United Nations some day, or will I be capable enough to be a political correspondent for a major news channel…Well, they say it is never wrong to dream big and that I did perfectly well!

As schooling life ended, I moved on to the next phase - college life. Being young and unsure, like many others I chose anything that made sense. By then, I realized reality was far different from what we used to think as a child. Quota system, race, political influence, wealth – they all made the difference of where you studied or what you did later on in life!

I spent four years of my late teens studying something I barely liked. However, I was optimistic enough to understand that was not the end of the road. I spent time working through different part time jobs and participating in other activities. It was not the money but it was the fact that it gave me the luxury of experiencing different job scopes and communicating with others. It broadened my horizon of thoughts, releasing me from the bounds of my degree.

By then, my mom was curious. Don’t you have a boyfriend?, she questioned. She was pretty worried seeing the fact I was pretty nonchalant on it. While many of my friends had to hide their relationship status from their parents, here I was having conversation with my mom on the fact that I was really single, by choice. The question was why? Well, there were things I never opened up to anyone. Being an introvert, I kept my personal life to myself. Of course, I had my share of crushes which remained such. It is called a crush because that’s what it did to me. As an individual, when it came to love, I felt hopeless. Come to think of it, back then I used to have low self-esteem and my confidence took a step back when it came to relationships. I always thought I was not good enough, either physically or perhaps just by luck.

As a young 21-year old, I stepped into the corporate world right after graduation. I got into the media industry, getting into sales. I became far more outspoken, bold, and confident and well the world was a different place for me to set my foot in. Having experienced the other side of me, I decided to move on to the financial industry. I kept pushing further and pushing love aside, I decided to pursue my career. I set goals and I did somewhat achieve them.

Within five years, I was in a role I wished for. At what expense? My entire five years that flew in a glance and my social life. By then, I was no longer a 21-year old but a young woman in her mid-twenties, who had never been in a relationship. I was afraid that I would no longer be in one. All the dreams of falling in love, having someone court you, the charming tale of lovebirds, well I thought I was getting too old for it and didn't know where to start. I resigned to the fact that perhaps I should consider an arranged marriage. Even my parents didn’t know where to begin, given the fact they never thought they would have to do that in this age of the world.

Having slogged for years career wise, I was in a position I wanted to be though I realized I lacked the maturity and experience in many ways. I wanted to reverse time and take it slower without compromising on my own life. I realized age was catching up and friends were moving on with life. My policy of being single forever and having friends as my companion for life - well, at one point, I knew I had to agree with my mom as much as I abhorred it. People moved on in life and at the end of the day, we are all alone.

After much persuasion, I started meeting people, going for coffees and trying to build a social circle. Dating apps which once seemed so archaic, made sense at this point. I made new friends though love luck seemed distant. Was there something wrong with me, my expectations or I just did not meet the expectations of how a woman should be today? I was starting to doubt the entire process.

With no luck in finding love and spending too much time at work, I decided to take the plunge and leap on a journey elsewhere. Taking a step backwards in terms of career, I moved away from family and friends. It was indeed a huge decision, having spent all my years at the comfort of my home and having had friends around me most of the time.

The move was good at the beginning. New place to discover, new people to meet, getting to be independent and having the freedom to live my life. My new role also meant I had time for my abandoned passions.

Fate had it I crossed path with an old “acquaintance” that I once knew a long time ago back home. Someone who was trying to pursue me then while I avoided him.

This time around, things were different. We became good friends, and having common interests, both away from home, we found it easy to relate to one another. The move to a foreign place came with a price – loneliness. And this once-upon-a-time friend of mine knew too well that this was something that I would fall into – because everyone who has been here long enough knows that!

From friends to more than friends, life changed. Being someone who has never experienced love, I fell in love for the very first time with someone whom I thought loved me too – I still choose to believe the person did fall in love at one point, be it a myth or truth. Being naive, I was head over heels, madly in love. Then, truth set in, I was just a puppet to be played with, when the person was lonely and bored. At that time, it was alien to me, why would someone do such a thing though today I know better.

In today’s world, we are all busy searching for something we aren't aware of. Even when we find it, we are not contented. Along this journey or quest, loneliness hits us hard. The world is not as joyful and lovely as it seems to be. During the day, there’s laughter, glamour and life and at night, there’s only you and yourself. Having been here, I started to realize the society is made up of people who are sad in their own ways. Many here are away from their close ones. With time, people were turning to be emotionally cold, incapable of loving and being contented with one and they find it acceptable to play with emotions.

I fell for someone who was what I had just described. A person who was never contented with what life had to offer, emotionally drained and unavailable…  I was naïve, believed in love and the fairy tale of how the prince and princess met, got married, had two children and lived happily ever after. I never understood how people could have relationships and flings with no strings attached, which only involved physical pleasure. What happened to emotions, didn’t they ever feel emotionally attached at some point?

And that’s how I got crushed, to an extent I was far beyond repair at one point. When it came to an end, I felt like I had learnt a great part of life within a time span I never could have imagined of. I was emotionally broken, my self-confidence, self-esteem, everything was down the drain.

It took me time to grasp what had just happened, to learn how the world worked, to accept reality, move on and rebuild myself as a person. I was no longer going to be the same person I once was and that, I knew very well. Emotionally, I am much more guarded today than before. After sometime, all the tears, sleepless nights, sleeping pills, pain killers, attempts to end it all, pep talks with family and friends, I decided to move on.

I had thoughts of moving back though I wanted to give my self another chance here or anywhere away from home. I knew meeting people would take my mind away from everything I was trying to forget. It did and it also taught me a great deal of how things are today. When I was left broken, I thought it was out of norm. Now, I know many out there are the same.

With modernization, we are moving into a world where people are taking things for granted. Many seek for physical pleasure, minus any sort of emotional attachment it comes with. Are they contented with just that, perhaps, or maybe not, we would never know. Dating apps, built once upon a time to match people given the busy world we are in, has now become an avenue for many to find temporary attachments. Some join these apps in expectations of finding true love, and even they are now starting to doubt if they could ever find genuine relationships.

As I spoke with people, I understood life better. I, who once abhorred the notion of an emotionless relationship, am now unsure if maybe that’s what the world has turned into? Do we all learn to move with time or remain in our coop of beliefs even if it may leave us disappointed?

Those who choose to change with time; seeking temporary physical pleasures while forgoing any permanent ties, are they happy or empty at the end of the day? I choose to believe the latter. Those who are still finding for true love, will they remain so, fail miserably or change to fit themselves among the first group of people?

Globalization has changed the world. We are no longer tied to one place. We’ve got the freedom to explore the world, technology to meet people and capability to fulfill our needs in anyway we want. Though at what cost does this freedom come with? How many people has it changed? How many out there are actually puppets of their own ideology of a modern world? We are humans after all, with both biological and emotional needs, which by right used to come together. However, when it comes at the price of the other, do we accept it and move on or turn into empty souls in the long run?

As I pondered on these questions, I boarded the train, off to work, on a journey I am unsure of. How one article brought upon so many different questions that was within me… The story of a girl who was once like me and now someone completely opposite of what she was. I have been there, often wondering how long more before I join the bandwagon? Or have I actually put a foot in it without realizing? The freedom, independence, temptations and liberated path I always wanted is now something I am confused off. In this journey of self discovery, I have changed as an individual, I have grown, I have been broken, I turned to God and turned away from religion altogether, I have learnt and I am still learning…I have met so many people and learned a great deal of how they live their life. Be it friends, colleagues, acquaintances, people are not what they seem to be. Everyone has a story of their own, an unknown life, undiscovered side, untold affairs…I no longer judge anyone or their choices of lifestyle, for I never know what my story will be someday…

Which way do I choose or have I chosen my path unknowingly? Do I recognize myself anymore?

For now, I know I no longer enjoy the numerous bus rides, flights, rush across the airports…I still love travelling though at a slower pace…As for life, love and God, I’ll leave time to unfold whatever truth there is…Sins and good deeds, good and bad, God - what's real and unreal?

Along the way, I've met kind souls who told me there's always light at the end of the tunnel. While I might be skeptical, perhaps there is. Not today, someday..

As the saying goes, in a city full of lights, every heart reeked of darkness...